Abhogaditi Yoga Musings From the Underground

“”As a man’s desire is, so is his destiny. For as his desire is, so is his will; and as his will is, so is his deed; and as his deed is so is his reward, whether good or bad. A man acteth according to the desires to which he clingeth.  After death he goeth to the next world bearing in his mind the subtle impressions of  his deeds; and, after reaping there the harvest of his deeds, he returneth again to this world of action. Thus he who hath desire continueth subject to rebirth.”- Brihadaranyaka Upanishad.

Blog #7

I don’t really know that much about death or what happens after, nor do I know a whole lot about the various religious philosophies surrounding it, but I was really drawn to and struck by the above Upanishadic creamy, dreamy morsels of wisdom. This isn’t the first time that Hindu philosophy has garnered my attention. Those Indus Valley folk are fairly sharp and I am often moved to pause by the insights that come from that “other” part of our world.

This whole idea of Self-regulating justice is like, “Wow”.  I mean, is this for real…  that I am gonna keep trippin’ on this ride until my desires somehow run out?  Hmm… me-thinks that I am in big trouble here. At least, if I have purchased the paradigm that this ride is not all that great, and there are times (not many) that I hold fast to that very idea.

My desire-produced karmic wheel of  birth and death is receiving lots of impressions, and I don’t see an end in sight anytime soon. Good grief, I am all over the friggin’ place with desire.  It oozes out of every single pore of my being and I was always certain that it would be the death of me, not the re-birth of me. Well, how about that for a beautifully wrapped paradox?

It seems, then, that as long as I crave cheeseburgers and Snickers candy bars and martini’s and pretty dresses and traveling to far away lands and curling up with a good book and going to the movies and swimming in the ocean and looking at the mountains and dancing & giggling with my daughter Olivia and practicing and teaching yoga and on and on and on, that I get to live. I get to come back to this place that holds all of the sensory pleasures that I so crave. So, where does that leave me? Well, I guess that leaves me having a darn good time continuously manifesting in nature.

You have to understand that I am generally a “liver of life to the fullest”. You know the type… always smiling and deriving unbelievable amounts of pleasure from the simplest of things. The one that says “why not?” instead of “why?” If I desire something, I just do. It doesn’t matter if I shouldn’t desire it or if it is bad for me or if it somehow just isn’t the “correct” desire to have. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have that espresso and a slice of yummy cheesecake. Perhaps, standing on my head at the beach isn’t like way “cool” (yes it is!). Maybe, desiring to go a movie by myself appears “odd”. Should I not talk of loving-kindness and compassion because it is too “ooey-gooey”? Oh, yea… desiring another martini is totally out of the question because… well, it just is. And, shall I apologize for I desire NOT to have Botox injected into my 49 year old face (I mean, come on people, that is part of the problem not the solution… although, desiring youth is sooo tempting), how un-21st century of me. And, on it goes.

So, you see, I am torn. For the most part, I like it here. On the one hand, I don’t want to stop desiring. I have become addicted to my personal desires and they seem, like it or not, to somehow fill me up. Forget the fact, that they lead to even more desire and ultimately suffering (cause dang it, even the good things don’t last forever and then there is the craving and missing of that which you once had… ouch!). Now truly this is quite a pickle, because in the Yoga Sutras (one of the most respected works ever written on yoga by Patanjali a long, long time ago), the whole goal of practicing yoga techniques (which I do) is to ultimately surrender everything (desires included, and don’t get me started on aversions- like the Botox thing cause that needs to be surrendered as well… is there nothing sacred) in order to come into unity consciousness (samadhi, enlightenment, union). Go figure, cause I also deeply desire coming into unity consciousness. Hmm… another paradox, for The Yoga Sutras are quite clear… even the desire of unity consciousness must be given up. Whew, this is like totally making me sweat.

I desire, which is strictly taboo if unity consciousness is sought. Unity consciousness just so happens to be one of my desires. Unity consciousness requires that I become desireless. Desire-less-ness takes me out of the karmic cycle of birth and death. This would mean no more Hershey’s kisses or other seeming forbidden fruits. So, the conundrum continues because I really like chocolate. Argh… a little help here!

Perhaps I am making it way too complicated. I mean without desire there is no notion of desire-less-ness.
Where would yin be without yang. And, certainly Sita (in Hindu lore she was elevated to equal status with the gods because of her undying love for her husband Rama even in lieu of his rejecting her) would have not been able to follow her dharma (what you were born to do, your path) without Rama (Hindu god and husband of Sita), the earth without the sky is nothing. And no-thing without some-thing just doesn’t make sense.

So, having desires is, perhaps, not so preposterous. And, in fact, seems to be a necessary precursor to desire-less-ness. Maybe, it is the clinging to the desires (and aversions) that is to be perceived as the doer-of- evil here. That, my readers, is it. Watch the desires, even indulge, but beware not to get all gnarled up in them. No prime rib? Okay, give me eggplant instead. Now that is surrender.

Let’s go ahead and plunge head on into our desires. After all, until we experience all there is to experience, we are not able to be done. And, being done is the goal. So, it would seem, if we really want to finally be done (manifesting, that is), we need to indulge our desires. What an insanely ordered conundrum! Let’s attach to it… hahaha.

Well, it seems that I am not dead yet. And, I am certain that I will reincarnate several million-bajillion more times. Okay. I am good with that. Eventually, my desires will run out. And, until then, I can patiently watch them come and go. I can savor the notion that you cannot know and become that which you are in the absence of that which you are not. So, I am, at my deepest, innermost being, not my desires. But, without them, how can I ever really know what I truly am?

Did someone say pizza… count me in.

Desiring and lovingly,

me

Alright, everyone (the 4 or 5 of you who read my blogs), in switching from yahoo website hosting to godaddy, we have lost the comments from all of the blogs. BOO HOO. We will just have to start fresh and realize that nothing lasts forever. Love you all and will get a March blog up soon.

“From the moment you were born a ladder was placed before you that you might escape.”- can’t remember who wrote this

Blog #5

This ride is amazing. You know this roller coaster ride I have been ranting about now for 5 months. I just want all of you who bother to read these musings that I put out each month, that I am absolutely having the time of my life. I know, last month the ride was something I wanted to ditch, get off of, stop, delete, totally disengage from, and so on. But, this month… whole new deal. I attribute part of it to hormones (not that I am making excuses, mind you, just observations… one moment crying your eyes out, 15 minutes later, laughing hysterically).

So what has happened? I have become keenly aware of the fact that I have somehow gotten lucky enough to be surrounded by some incredibly amazing human beings. I mean, it may seem strange because generally this is something that, if you are 49 years old, you know. But, it has really struck me in these past few weeks, that those of you who are in my life in any way, well, you rock!! And, yes I mean you (and you, and you and you. Yes, you too).

Perhaps, you have all always been surrounded by incredible people or just have had the insight to receive every person that crosses your path as a gift. But, it has just recently come to my full attention that I have a lot of really grooviliciously neato people that I share my world, my energy with.

I have always considered myself really lucky. I am not saying that I haven’t had my share of unfortunate situations. There was the time that I went to dinner with a ridiculously short and awfully unusually looking fashion designer in the hopes that he would let me model his clothes (please, no snickers here, at the time I was quite serious). He later took me back to his flat (we were in Paris at the time hence the use of the word flat. I guess, you probably know that, but just in case) supposedly to show me some designs (was I really that gullible… well, yes. And, believe it or not, I still am), and proceeded to try and have his way with me. (Good golly, why on earth would anyone try to force himself on you? What is up with that?) That wasn’t very lucky, except that I did escape… it’s a long story, ask me about it if ya want details… not pretty. But, usually, I am really, really lucky. And, when ya think about it, this was lucky in the sense that I did escape and without penile penetration. Hurray for me!

I just remembered another time that I barely escaped from the clutches of an apparently screwed up fellow. I was hitchhiking. I think my bicycle had broken down on a busy street and I needed to get to work. I was living in Los Angeles at the time. This guy picked me up and then when I told him where I wanted to go, he started to take me in a completely different direction. Well, I was a little smarter (not much though) then, and so I jumped out of the car while it was still moving. Didn’t quite trust that he was going to be noble as he swung the car around and headed down a path I did not want to travel down. Hmm… still not sure what is going on with that type of behavior. Is it really, reinforcing in some way to do something to someone, when it isn’t consensual? But, lucky for me that I was able to jump out of the car, and nary a bruise… just a little shaky and my hair got messed up (back then, I brushed my hair. These days, not so much) and I needed to re-apply my lipstick (and, what kind was it? Correcto mundo… 505 Cover Girl!). I was, however, late for work… small price to pay.

And then there was the time when I was in Mexico. Met some really great amigos and took them up on their offer to go to their casa… by myself (I like to travel alone). Wow, that was really stupid. Heard of gang rape? Well it didn’t happen, but let’s just say it was a very close call. Again, I am lucky. Do you all see a pattern here? Anyway, that is another blog at another time.

As I continue down this memory lane thingy that seems to be going on right now, I realize that I have had some experiences (as we all have) that have shown me how very many different ways of being and thinking in this world of manifestation and duality there are. And, not all of the ways jive with being loving and kind. So, for me, since I have had some, let’s call them adventures with interesting folks (cause there are a ton more just like those described above and trust me when I say, you probably do not want to know) that haven’t been all that great, being able to look around and really see, really appreciate those who are in my life right now, is quite lovely and it makes me smile.

There is this line in a movie that communicates, it’s not who loves you (which so goes against what most of us believe), but who you love that is important. I remember this because I used to think (this was way back in my teen years and early 20s), if I could just love someone, really love someone… that would be great. And, now I am realizing that I am fully coming into that way of being and perceiving. I appreciate and love all of you, just because. I can “see” you. You are boundless bundles of energy that vibrate with love and life and goodness. Wow!

So, this shift in consciousness is now allowing me to emphatically shout, “I love this friggin’ ride and I don’t ever want it to end!” Remember, that poor carnival guy that controls the ride that I mentioned in my last blog? First I call him a moron (sorry), and now I think he is genius. I throw my arms up and give him a look that says, “I am right there with ya carnival guy, keep it coming, this is really, really fun”. And, I just want you all to know, to understand, that my shift is due, in large part, to you.

You support me in ways that have touched me very deeply and profoundly and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate it greatly. I am lucky. I am a piece, a chunk of creation with all of you. And, our paths have crossed for whatever reason, and I am really glad. I feel like I have somehow fallen into a fairy tale and I am writing the script. But, it is just kismet that we are all in this together and at this time. I do not take it for granted that each of you that I am gifted to share even a moment with is pure, loving consciousness at the core, and I am very lucky indeed to have had the moment.

Corny as heck, I know, but jeez it is really how I feel. Honestly, I am amazed at my incredible fortune to have all of you in my life. You make it easy to stay on the ride with its ups and downs and topsy-turvyness (well, martinis and champagne help… oops, I mean yoga postures and meditation). You make it fun and joyful and worthwhile. And, darn it, I love you all very deeply.

So, cheers to you all (the glass is indeed half full and we can drink whatever it is full with together). And, I know that, when I can be what you are to me, it will come to pass. So whether or not you love me back, it is not what is important. It is important that because of your incredible being-ness, I love you, and I just wanted you to know that, so there!

Namaste, my shining bundles of creation.

j.

“Remember, falling on your face is still moving forward.” – The Unknown Comic

Blog #4

I continue to ride that topsy-turvy roller coaster that I blogged about in my first attempt to communicate something authentic and meaningful. It just doesn’t seem to want to end. Now I assure you, I like a good ride just like the rest of them. But, there is such a thing as the ride going on for way longer than what you thought you paid for. I may not know the value of things sometimes, but hmmm… me-thinks that I owe somebody some money. And, in this down-turned economy, trust me when I say, extended rides are no way to make ends meet.

So, what it is that still has my kundalini energy’s dander up besides the fact that I do practices that encourage the raising of that powerful seductress? Well, if you will indulge me, I will begin by creating lot’s of drama (something I try to inspire others not to do, but what the heck) around this ‘the ride can stop anytime please stop the ride now’ thing that I am experiencing. I am going to share this because I know that there are others out there in this inexhaustible space that are on the same ride as me. At least, I hope so. Sorry to wish anyone so much angst, but I really don’t want to think that I am all alone here, that would be way more than I could be expected to handle… right?

Okay, here goes. My offering, or, better yet, my well-intended rant. My roller coaster ride saga continued. My, “It’s been lovely (and, really it has), but I have to scream now (can I please get off?)”, fourth blog (or, part II of blog #1).

Have you ever been so in tune with your deepest, truest nature, that time and thought stop? Just completely and totally present, now? Not at all thinking, just feeling? One-hundred percent pure lost in being-ness? And, oh my gosh, in those moments everything makes perfect sense? There is no resistance at all? Being is peaceful… easy? You just are, and it just is?

It’s a profound experience of union and interconnectedness with all things. It’s a feeling of complete harmony and oneness. In this elevated state of unity consciousness, the love that is at the root of all things just spontaneously and effortlessly pours out. There is no fear or anxiety or sadness, because there is no sense of separateness. You seem to feel “in-love” with everyone and everything.

Now, I absolutely realize that this sounds over-the-top ooey, gooey, gushy, and sixties-flower-child-like (which is way out of style). But, listen up you rollers of your eyes because this is so sickeningly sweet, I happen to know this to be true. I have had the experience. And, I love this state of pure being. Well, this gooey you are love part, is, in fact, the lovely part. The part of the ride that I thought I paid for (actually, the love-ride is free, but it doesn’t fit into my blog right now). This feeling totally “in-love” part of the ride, I never ever in a million gazillion years want to get off of… ever!

The part that is NOT lovely, and that makes me want to end the ride, to scream, is that unity consciousness isn’t what I am experiencing ALL of the time. The ride that I experience the rest of the time is scary, irrational, inconsistent, depressing, dark, empty, lonely, changing, and dependent on my ego’s whims (and, if you read my last blog, you know about my insanely jealous, “don’t do your yoga practice or I will diminish”, ego).

This part of the ride is marked by my ego clinging to everything that isn’t threatening to it’s petty existence. And, it attaches to and identifies itself with every thought and emotion that it can get it’s grubby, little nails into. And, it is so cunning that, it has found a way of attaching itself even to the loveliness… go figure. So there I am on the lovely part of the ride and the ego decides to attach to it, and then it goes away because you cannot have the ego attachment and have the loveliness at the same time. Now, who made that rule? Paradoxes, never did like em.

I tell you, I am way (yes, way) attached to all kinds of ’stuff’. Some of it is fluffy and fun like driving with my top down when it is warm and the sun is out, putting on lipstick (it has to be Cover Girl #505- just in case anybody wants to know), eating lots of Zotz candies in succession (these candies can be purchased at Mast General Store and are to die for, although most guys don’t like them because as you suck on them a sort of creamy inner surprise is released and I think that may be a problem for those with an excess of testosterone… hmmm, sorry), turning the music up way too loud, giggling with my daughter Olivia (or really giggling with anyone at all… I like to giggle), finding new ways to do arm balances or just turn upside down with my yoga students, and then, of course, let’s not forget the most important attachment of all, the lovely part of the ride.

Some of it is primordial and sexy like making out, watching burlesque, putting on fishnets, boots, a push up bra and short skirt, going out dancing (really dancing), stirring up and raising Kundalini energy (see, I do it on purpose… silly me), getting dirty and sweaty, screaming out in the mountains when you are surrounded by nature and space, and then maybe even getting naked (perhaps I should be ‘doing’ burlesque… ).

And, some of it is elusive and scary like looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself (where did that wrinkle come from?), crying spontaneously without really knowing why, drinking an extra glass of whatever it is that you are drinking even when you know you should be done drinking (I am not talking about water, but you already knew that, didn’t you?), telling people how you really feel and listening while others tell you how they really feel, cursing if you feel like it (I am talking the “F” word here), seeking (or not seeking) to experience unfamiliar things and not knowing what the heck the outcome will be, you get my drift.

So, the roller coaster is really fun at first. I mean, it is my favorite ride and I generally would wait a long time just to get on and ride. But, it only stays fun if you can get off every now and again (or if you can maintain the lovely part of the ride and not become attached). And, currently I haven’t been able to get off (I’m not talking sex here… oops, that was probably uncalled for) nor have I been able to detach from the loveliness. And, I tell the carnival attendee, amidst tears, that I need to get off. He doesn’t seem to hear me or maybe he delights in my distress (could he be my ego?). And, so I feel forced to scream, “Stop this f*cking ride you moron”. Still, the ride continues. I guess calling the carnival attendee a moron didn’t help.

Now, I am beginning to understand why people seek counseling. Some things are just really scary and complicated and you just get a little weirded out. Now, I realize that there are those of us who think that ‘freaking out’ is out of fashion and shows a lack of some sort of spirituality or of being centered and healthy. I actually used to be one of those really judgmental persons who thought that not being able to ‘handle things’ or to always be ‘okay’, with whatever the hell was going on was really ridiculous. I felt sorry for ‘those’ people in an “I am superior to you because I am always happy” sort of way. “Just buck up” would be my advice. Wow, was I ever callous.

Nowadays (due to my own inability to “buck up”), I wonder, why can’t we freak out? What is so wrong with freaking out? Why do we always need to be so tidy and comfortable and in control (isn’t it amazing how one can change one’s view when it is in her best interest to do so… we, er, I can be so pathetic sometimes). I mean, many a spiritual savant advises, “be with it, invite it in, surrender, resist nothing, ride the wave of life, go with the flow, yadda, yadda, yadda”. I myself (though not a spiritual anything let alone a savant) say these things, frequently. And, I believe them or at least, I want to. I interpret these wisdom morsels to mean that if you are freaking out, then at the very least, know that you are freaking out. Acknowledge it wholeheartedly. Dive in and partake of the freaking-out-ness of it all. Watch it. Shine the light of being-ness on it, and then for God’s sake (literally) have the spiritual depth and decency to sit with what happens.

Because it is all relevant. It can provide (if you are awake/conscious enough) an opportunity to move into the inner sanctuary of joy and peace that I described earlier. It can be a way to experience the loveliness while the ego diminishes. That poor sap (ego) that feeds on your clinginess, has to let go a bit when you have the courage to walk right up to it, look it in the eye, say “hello”, and then politely and respectfully ask it in for tea.

Maybe, then, the ride isn’t so bad after all. Maybe, we cannot ever get off of the ride so we might as well be with it, enjoy it and play along. Maybe it is all lovely… even the screaming.

I cannot give myself or you, my reader, any kind of conclusive anything here. I am suspended between the lower vibratory frequency found in unconsciousness, and the higher vibratory frequency of wakeful consciousness. My particles can’t make a decision. They are caught in chaos, and chaos is a strange attractor indeed. I will have to wait it out until enough particles are attracted that some semblance of order can emerge. I am on the ride and I ain’t gettin’ off anytime soon. So, I choose to just be with the ride… all of it. The highs, the lows and the in-betweens. The loveliness and the screams.

I can say this though. I will diligently continue my yoga practice. I will read spiritual works, practice yoga asana and teach, sit on my meditation cushion and watch my breath, meet with like minded folk, eat and drink and dance with a fullness and a gusto that borders on insanity. I will pester people (you know who you are), talk too much, and perhaps, on occasion, go deeper into the noise. And, I will try to remember that falling on your face, in a weird sort of way, is still moving forward. I will greet the loveliness and abide in it when it is apparent. And, by golly, I will scream (if I feel I need or want to) when it is not.

So cheerio, toodles, shanti and all of that until next time.

Some look at the glass and see it as half empty. Some look at the glass and see it as half full. I look at the glass and ask, “Are you going to drink that”?- A friend

Blog #3

I have been attempting to write another blog for several days now. I have started and stopped, edited and deleted, come into quiet contemplation, listened to lyrics, read inspiring passages, even penned a poem (and I must confess, that glass of champagne- okay two glasses or was it three- that I drank last night in order to stir something up, has done nothing to pry the creative juices from my innards, at least in terms of blogging,… so much for alcohol), and still, here I sit with absolutely NOTHING (glass is definitely half empty and I am mighty thirsty… damn dehydrating champagne!).

Feels so weird to not be able to communicate through my writing as typically thoughts and ideas flow through me so fast that I don’t have time to get them all out. I usually end up with way too much information and find myself struggling to figure out what to get rid of so that it isn’t too overwhelming for the reader. I like it when I have too much. This not having anything, well frankly, it sucks.

I thought about just posting a story that I had written several months ago about a pet annelid named Herman (not sure why I chose the name Herman as it is clearly masculine and annelids are hermaphroditic- how amazing that these watery, earthy creatures that we dismiss as fish fodder could be so uniquely adaptive. I mean, come on… how lucky are they?) that I found when I was about 10 years old. It is a cute story and I am sure that you would enjoy it, but I just figured I should be able to write something new, ya know? (So much for my thinking that I might someday be able to write a weekly article for a local magazine!)

So, here I sit on a Saturday night in front of the fireplace listening to Sarah McLauchlan and eating a piece of buttered (It is real butter and oh so yummy) sour dough toast and attempting to come up with something absolutely brilliant to share. “Okay Jeri, put the toast down, place your fingers on the keyboard and just begin. Type anything already. And, if worse comes to worst (and, I guess it has… again, glass half empty), just fess up, be honest. Tell the people that you are struggling, and then just hope for the best.”

I mean, it’s not like I am the only person who has had to face up to the reality (at least the right/wrong, good/bad, up/down, feminine/masculine relative reality of duality- not to be confused with the underlying absolute reality where all things are potentially possible) that, sometimes, what we desire is simply beyond our reach. Hmm… that insight right there is worth the enlightenment derived from reading any one of Tom Robbin’s books (Well, maybe that is stretching it a bit. Okay, okay… a lot, because Villa Incognito is abso-frickin-lutely out of this world, off the charts, quantifiably THE best book ever written. Now if you would all just go out and read that book, I would quit this blog right here and now. Nothing I could ever share, even in a million gazillion years, could touch the insights and amusements you would most certainly glean from that brilliant gem).

And, so what if I can’t share something of value, something that elevates consciousness? We already have one Tom Robbins in this world. If I cannot blog with insight, wit and wisdom, who amongst you really cares (other than my incredibly stubborn and misinformed ego)? And, gee whiz, it’s not like I have a ton of people out there chomping at the bit waiting for my next blog. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be able to withstand the pressure anyway.

Now, isn’t that a hoot. I mean, ideally you would think that one would want to draw lots of readers and comments in. That would signify, to some, a modicum of success. Well, on the one hand, I do want to draw readers in. And, it is not beyond me to use that people drawing in measure to feign some success (I fully use the word feign here because I unhesitatingly admit that the majority of the success to be had is merely of the superficial kind and, therefore, in the grander scheme of things, doesn’t really count for much. In fact, it may not even be ultimately helpful, but let us put that aside for today as that opens up a whole other can of annelids- LOL).

Unfortunately, that incredibly persistent and cunningly deceptive “I’m not finished binding you to your negative thoughts” ego of mine continues to pester me. Every time I think I have a reasonable ability or gift, it sinks it’s teeth in a little deeper, toughs it out and patiently waits. It lurks about stalking me for it desires to seize the moment when I allow a little doubt to seep into my awareness, and then, “kaboom”, it attaches itself to that little sapling of doubt and convinces me that I am none other than, you guessed it… doubt. “Wow”, I say, “I am doubtful. Uh, oh.” Now, what started out as small has doubled in size. Then, tripled. And, before you know it, bingo bango, this stinking sapling of troublesome doubt is now a friggin’ full grown redwood (have you ever seen a redwood?). My ego has successfully deluded me. And though, at least intellectually, I know better, I continue to habitually, albeit mistakenly, identify my Self with those incessant objects (thoughts) that constantly float across the sky in my mind. There are so many misconceptions mingling around in there that my ability to see the vast, clear unifying blueness underlying them is completely obscured. And, the really rotten thing is that those floating bombs of negative identifiers are just that, negative.

Those redwoods (negative thoughts) are big and strong and very difficult to get rid of. They continue to root and branch. And, if you are not careful, self loathing and hatred show up. Lord knows, they can’t stand the idea of a party (because that is what is happening in your head, a big huge thought gathering free-for-all frenzy) without them, and they are not the least bit shy about crashing in on one (didn’t anyone ever teach these guys any manners?). And, as soon as anger figures out there is something going on (damn those neurotransmitters), she shows up too. She is such a Prima Donna. she will not be left out. Besides she just bought a new skirt- bright green, her favorite color- and is dying to show it off. Before you know it, the house (the space in my mind) is overfull. Word got out that anythought that is anythought is there and so the party just keeps growing. And, as far as parties go, the more the merrier. So, it is a smashing success… at least for the attendees. I on the other hand am in a deep load of shit, completely out of control and hopelessly lost. The partiers are loud and rude and they don’t really give a hoot about me. And, as long as there is plenty of food (thoughts), these leeching feasters on emotions are fat-assed content. Argh!!! And, so it goes.

You see, our egos are so fragile that even the thought that we might fail (because we identify ourselves with that thought), energizes and strengthens these tricky destroyers of the truth to the point that they send us scampering off into the corner sucking our “let me pacify you” yummy thumbs (not that sucking your thumb is bad, mind you… you did suck your thumb when you were little… right? My thumb was so darn delicious that it was in my mouth most of the time- probably not the most grown up look, but, trust me when I say, I would have fared far worse without it… kept me away from putting other things in my mouth… at least through middle school!?!).

I truly digress (which is great because this means I am fluently blogging). Aside from all of this yogic philosophy about our egos mistakenly identifying themselves with our thoughts (which, according to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali is the Maya or veil of illusion which prevents us from seeing our truest and highest unchanging nature), let’s go way back in this blog to my observation that I do not have a ton of you chomping at the bit to read my posts or that you don’t really care if I cannot bring you an elevation in consciousness. I wanted to expand on that because I really want you to know that I appreciate every single one of you who actually does have an interest in reading and responding to my rants. I feel there is an interesting relationship that we are building. And, if it is just you, one single reader, then by golly that is enough. So, whomever you are out there, I blog for you (and me), and I take our relationship seriously and personally. Hence, my chagrin at not being able to give you more for your time (though, I do think that I was finally able to successfully communicate something of value. And, if not, at the very minimum, there was the recommended reading).

Now, Let me try to pull this all together, even in lieu of the fact that my wit and wisdom are taking an unauthorized and untimely sabbatical. They didn’t hear about the party (they opted for cell phones, and apparently they are in a dead zone, thereby giving the overworked neurotransmitters a much needed pause- here we go again with the party theme… ). They probably wouldn’t have come to the soiree anyway, they do not get along well with the likes of self loathing, self hatred and anger (and the feelings are quite mutual… the cell phones were the last straw). Wit just cannot tolerate their lack of humor, and wisdom finds their inability to carry on an intelligent conversation without all of the drama and histrionics they are known for, intolerable.

How about I leave out a half of a glass of fluid for my wit and my wisdom in a ‘let’s try and tie this blog to the saying at the top of the page’ attempt to entice them back? I will have to hope that they will be really dry and thirsty and, since they have been gone for awhile, I think it is a fairly reasonable assumption. I will also count on their not being concerned with whether the glass is half full or half empty (they are, after all, fairly sharp, and duality is oft not their favorite place to reside). And, wouldn’t it just be peachy if, when they do show up, (cause they will eventually be back, this has happened before and I know their pattern), they politely ask, “Are you going to drink that?”

May you all, my dear readers, when you see a glass filled with fluid, ask for it. Cheers.

“To know a thing, you must become that thing. You can know nothing outside of yourself, but you are everything.”

Blog #2 (this blog is quite lengthy, but stick with it. It’s a nice story)

I had an experience that was revelatory a couple of years ago when I still lived in a small town in central Ohio that I would like to share with you. I had decided that I was going to take up trotting (I refer to it as trotting because it is only a slight increase in the speed with which I walk, and that is fairly slow) at the nearby park in order to spend some much needed time outdoors soaking up the healing prana (universal energy). And, lest I be less than honest with you, let me also share that I was looking for something ( I am always looking for something). I was sure that if I stayed home, I would not find what I was looking for. So, going to the park seemed a good idea. I wasn’t convinced that I would find what I was looking for there either, but at least I was out, and so statistically my chances were improved- albeit remotely.

My desire was to find a Guru. Someone who could help me remove my darkness, bring me into the light. Gurus are personal spiritual teachers. It is believed that when you are ready, one will show up. And, not only will one show up, but he will be the perfect Guru for you. Your very own personal Guru! Holy shit! I mean, who thought that up? It is genius… brilliant. The clever maker-upper of this ideological promise deserves respect, (or at least an authentic tip of the hat).

I have always been attracted to this idea- which is why I so highly revere that which promulgated it into existence. And the guru-envy that I experience when learning that someone, other than myself, has found her personal Guru, curiously continues to plague me. I mean, what could be more exciting than having someone show up (just showing up is in and of itself a feat worthy of praise) who can help you move through your darkness… your perceived obstacles to enlightenment? So, finding someone who has the potential to show me how incredibly limited my perceptions are ( I am not putting myself down here as some of you may think, just being realistic. After all, when you think about it, aren’t we are all fairly ego-centric and constricted when it comes to understanding things of the spirit?), is someone I want to spend considerable time with.

Now call me needy if you must, but I look at it this way. Somehow, something, somewhere out there gave us these Gurus who are awake enough to be able to bring us into a state of remembrance or unity consciousness, and the only thing we need do is get ready.

Well, yippee cuz getting ready is what I do best. I mean, I get ready for the day by drinking coffee. I get ready for practicing yoga by putting on my yoga clothes. I get ready to go out dancing by having a cocktail. I get ready to write by talking about it. I get ready for enlightenment by practicing techniques. It seems, I am always getting ready to live or die or whatever it is I am always getting ready to do. Yadda, yadda, yadda… you get my drift because you are most likely doing the same getting ready that I am. So, where is my Guru?

Hmmm… perhaps, I have misjudged. Maybe, just maybe, I have it all wrong. Perhaps, what I really need to do is to actually BE ready. Maybe I have spent a little too much time with the GETTING ready part. But, I digress. I was relating my story from a few years ago when I decided to go to the park and trot. Let me get back to that because it is a really good story and I think you will like it, and, believe it or not, it has everything to do with ‘getting’ and ‘being’ ready.
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So, there I was at the park to trot and I was totally delighted, even excited to be there. The outdoors was inviting, and I was completely and thoroughly wrapped up in my aloneness. The solitude was addicting. I have always enjoyed being with myself– however, so this was no surprise, and adding nature to the mix was definitely a pick-me-upper.

Imagine, my frustration then when, only a few minutes into my satisfying experience, I heard behind me, and not too far in the distance, the rantings of our local (some have dubbed him lunatic, but I always found that somewhat harsh, though part of me, I must admit, concurred) un-medicated schizophrenic. Now, I am not one to dispassionately condemn a man (or a woman) for lacking in ability to conform to social mores (a much nicer way to describe mental instability). God knows, I have had my own struggles, but did I have to put up with this bellicose and excessively verbose disruption of my quiet moving meditation?

The interesting thing here is that almost immediately after I called into question this man’s character and how his presence would affect me, I ordered myself to stop. I remembered that one of the reasons that I was out, after all, was to find a Guru. Perhaps, this fellow who perceived things quite a bit differently than most, would be able to offer something up. Could I open myself up to the possibility that I could learn? That everyone was a Guru of sorts? Instead of ‘getting’ ready for a Guru, could I ‘be’ ready? Well yes, I believed that I could. (As I think back on this, I realize how unfortunate it was that, as a proclaimer of non-attachment and non-judgement, I had to talk myself into interacting with another human being in a way that required a moment-to-moment- suspension-of-judgement presence, and then only for my own selfish gain. But, what can I say, this is just how it was.)

What light could I glean from an encounter with the man who was infamous for his outspoken opinions? Ones that frequently led to bursts of rage and then quickly shifted from one topic to the next without any clear demarcation? I knew this because he was frequently a caller-inner on the local radio talk-show (this is also one of the reasons why everyone knew of him). However, I would often turn him off without really listening to what he had to say because of the way in which he said it. I had no tolerance for what I perceived was unjust anger and ear-hurting loudness. In fact, when he called in, I would roll my eyes, sigh, and resign myself to my self-righteous belief that he was obviously ignorant, mentally unhealthy, and had nothing to offer that I cared to hear. He was just another one of those ignorant, small-minded, “the world will end soon if we don’t change our ways“, religious, conservatives who could not think beyond his own fears. I felt I was way better than him (liberals are better than conservatives, right?).

Well, I didn’t have time to contemplate these harsh judgments for long, because without too much preparation there he was, trotting beside me (he was forced to slow his pace down considerably, but as he learned I was a willing listener, he was keen to do it). So, there we were. Him and me. Trotting in the park. Having a conversation (well, it was more or less me listening to him switch from one really intense topic to the next, but I did occasionally get a word in). And actually, as I listened to him (I mean, really listened), I began to connect his thoughts and understand what it was he was saying, why he was saying it, and, more importantly, why he was saying it in the way he was saying it. Turns out, he isn’t so crazy, narrow-minded, fearful, or even unjustifiably angry after all (those are adjectives that better describe me!).

I do remember telling him that he should try getting quiet every now and again and actually listen to what some else had to say. He told me that no-one had ever said that to him before and that he would give it some serious thought. I liked that. I thought that was really sweet and intelligent. It made me feel good to have offered up something that he could use, because he was absolutely informing me.

Well, you know, we talked about all sorts of things and I was learning so much and having such a good time that I cannot even begin to tell you. It was fantastic. He was removing some of my darkness. Whoa… he was (in those moments) my personal Guru. I guess I was ‘ready‘… ?

How cathartic. How absolutely intentionally unintended that was. I recognized and allowed myself the opportunity to experience information that ordinarily would have been difficult for me to internalize and accommodate. In essence, I chose my reality. I opened the gift placed before me. The gift of being present with another human being that I had previously felt had nothing of value to offer me. I suspended judgement, came into the moment, and tasted the honey of transcendence that is a natural outpouring of “going with the flow“.

You may think that I exaggerate this chance meeting with my temporary Guru, but you are wrong. And, the pinnacle of this experience was that as we neared the end of the park’s path, knowing that I would go my way and he would go his, we made eye contact (I saw infinity in those eyes). In that instant (which was absolutely timeless), I literally became him and he me. We were one, in total union, no distinction between where his manifested form began and ended and my manifested form began and ended. Our molecules all spacious and vibrating commingled in an ordered chaos that must have reached the critical level. We understood ’Christ Consciousness’ as it relates to “I am in you and you are in me”. We were residing in the Tao, the Way, the Buddha.

As I left the park that day, I walked freakishly suspended about an inch or so off of the ground. I felt uniquely different, remarkably changed (which is so interesting because what I experienced felt so easy, so natural). The significance of the experience made me cry. After all the years of practicing techniques to prepare myself for what I believed was the off-chance that I might ’catch’ a meditative state and move into Samadhi (unity), in a matter of 20 minutes this incredible man had brought me out of the darkness and into the light. The crying, I believe was an expression of profound gratitude for the gift I was given… to meet one of my Guru’s and spontaneously experience (without the use of mind-altering drugs), my (all of our) natural state of unity consciousness.

Turns out, all we need to do is surrender, let go, come fully into each moment breath by creative breath and ’see’ what is already there, has always been there and will always be there. That‘s it. There is no more.

Whew… that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Your thoughts?

“When my spirit goes through its door, and my bones return to the root from which they grew, what will become of me?”- Chuang Tzu

First Blog

So this is my first attempt at blogging. How interesting for me as I am technologically handicapped. Don’t know the first thing about how to use the computer in any really meaningful way. I have difficulty using my cell phone (texted- is it text or texted?- for the first time a week or so ago… that was fun!), and the Kodak digital camera that I recently purchased alludes me. Wow. Am I really that old or is it just that my brain cells aren’t wired that way? Hmmm…?

My son has tried to guide me, but he doesn’t realize that his mother is computer illiterate and that I just recently learned what a blog was. No matter, I have decided that I can blog even if I don’t totally understand it.

So, what to blog about.?

What is on my mind right now is Chaos. I have lived in Asheville now for just over a year, and recently my somewhat habitual and ordered way of being has been threatened. I have been experiencing some sort of profound consciousness shift. My three lowest chakras (which are associated with survival in terms of meeting basic needs, sexuality and ego-sense respectively) are in a state of complete and irreverent disarray. I am careening out of control and the intensity of this churning and unbounded energy, that has for whatever reason been cathartically awakened, is absolutely flooding into every aspect of my existence.

Is this what the mountains do to people? It‘s like ingesting powerful hallucinogens and then hanging on for dear life as the chemically induced high wreaks havoc with your neuronal circuits. Your cells, soaking in a bubble bath of over stimulation don’t quite know whether to sink a little deeper into the tub or get out and dry off before they shrivel up like moisture deprived grapes.

Meanwhile, sanity hangs in the balance as whatever semblance of being grounded that had previously been cultivated took an unapproved sabbatical. There is the frantic attempt to ride out the storm, waiting for whatever is going to happen to happen and crinkling up your forehead in a bewildered sort of ignorance wondering when the ride is going to come to an end. And, you don‘t really know how or when the ride started because you don‘t remember buying a ticket (don‘t you need a ticket to ride on the rides?). And, as a last ditch effort, you decide to swallow your intellectual pride and pray to that granter-of-personal-wishes God (even if you don’t really believe because, at this point, you are more than desperate. And, just in case there is something out there listening, you want to be covered), that you don‘t puke or at least if you do, not in public because if you puke someone might see that you are really sick!

I find myself thinking and behaving in ways that heretofore would have not been descriptive of whom I thought myself to be. This is radical… chaotic. The strangeness of this is that, at times, I really, really, really like it a lot. And, at other times, it scares the Hell out of me. So, I am not sure if I need to be somehow ‘fixed’ or if this tumultuousness, this ‘energetic awakening’ of sorts, is, in some cruel-joke-way, the fixing.

I mean, I have studied and read at length about Shakti -Kundalini awakening. I know that in yogic philosophy, the goal of practicing the techniques is to wake up the sleeping creative serpent (Shakti-Kundalini) that lies coiled at the base of your spine. She sleeps until she is awakened, and then she rises up to meet her lover Shiva (an aspect of Absolute Supreme Consciousness) in the spiritual third eye center (Ajna Chakra) thereby dispelling the illusory nature of duality and bringing one into unity consciousness. This union of Shiva/Shakti at Ajna Chakra is the veil of illusion (Maya) buster. And, many of the yoga techniques are powerful ‘waker- uppers’ of this cunning ‘consciousness-evolver’.

So, perhaps this wild ride that I have been thrust on is just the Universe grabbing me by my yoga straps and shouting , “Wake up, Jeri!”. And, haven’t I been pleading with the Universe to speak to me by patiently and faithfully doing my yoga practice for years? I guess, in a way then, I have asked for this. My yoga practice is bearing fruit. I am eating the proverbial apple from the forbidden tree and it is bittersweet. The serpent is alive and well and beckons for me to taste, to eat, to experience, to know (or not know, depending upon how you look at what happens when you eat from that God forsaken tree!). And, damn it, I have consented.

Where this will end up, I do not know. So that’s it. Can I just be with the experience? And, even more pressing can I be with the experience without knowing what the outcome will be? Can I do what I often tell others to do? Just let it go. Be with the moment to moment creative expression of manifestation and watch without judging or attaching to some idea of how it is supposed to turn out. Can I live the questions?

I share this with you because it dramatically underscores one of the core yogic tenets- that letting go of our attachments to how things are supposed to be, and of our notion that we must have the answers (and, for that matter, that there are answers) to the questions, is tantamount to evolving consciousness. And, since initially yoga postures were performed as body mudras or ways of placing the body in various positions in order to energetically set oneself up for experiencing higher, more unitive levels of being, it seems appropriate as practitioners of yoga asana, that we should be in the business of evolving consciousness. Coming into yoga (Supreme Consciousness awareness), is what the practice is ultimately about. How to do that may mean moving through order and back into primordial chaos- or is it the other way around?

This reminds me of something I recently read. A friend of mine lent me a book about quantum physics. In it, is the query, “What is the fundamental structure of reality?” It postulates, rather fervently, that science has learned, from chaos comes order, and from order comes chaos. And, it appears that cosmic creativity depends on a reciprocity between order (Shakti?) and chaos (Shiva?). How intriguing. And, just when you think you can know something for sure, the book throws in a profound commentary from the creation hymn of the Rig Veda (a spiritual text from the Hindu philosophical system) which asserts that in the beginning there was no air, no heavens, no water, no death, no immortality. Night and day did not exist and there was only the breathing of the One. Then somehow Creation occurred. No-one knows how this happened, and the Rig Veda speculates that possibly even the One does not know (gasp…. !).

What is personally interesting about this, is that ever since my tidy and ordered way of thinking and being has been placed in the balance, rent in two, sucked into one of those mysterious black holes in the cosmos where all things eventually go, I have been re-considering this whole sitting with the questions idea in terms of not just talking about it, but actually living it. And, although I feel more like scrambled eggs these days than eggs benedict (a far superior, and my preferred, way of eating eggs), I am coming to believe that being with the questions as opposed to having the answers is a superior way of being even in lieu of the messy chaos it can potentially bring. Superior in the sense that practicing it may lead to more evolved levels of consciousness which is, after all, what we are ultimately after. And, even if that is not the case, it affords us the opportunity to experience things in a more expansive and spacious way. In a way that can embrace and even celebrate the notion, “I don’t know and it’s okay”.

Well, if that is true, then my paradigm shift, at least in part, seems to be moving me in the right direction… that of evolving consciousness.

So, here I am. Blogging my way through chaos. Inviting you into my topsy-turvy world and begging the question, “Is my world upside down or right side up?”. I leave you to chew on these thoughts as it relates to your perception of being in the world. And, lest you think me less than compassionate, trust me when I say, my heart goes out to all of you who are being forced, whether by ordered design or chaotic randomness, to sit with the questions.

Toodles.